I'm 26 years old and have only experienced unconditional love for a 6 month period at age 23.
Where do I begin when I have no sense of self, sacrificed my own joy, happiness, and love interests for things I believed as a child.
I still struggle with the pain of ghosting female friends from school in which mutual romantic interest was shown. No logical explanation exists to why other than I was told, or to explain a crazy belief, or my reputation would change. Not very nice things to say to someone you care about. I was conflicted and selfish because one in particular was my only friend. I didn't want to let her go, but I couldn't continue stringing her along.
Nobody should feel guilty for being romantically interested in someone or for texting them. However these thoughts are so ingrained, you have an out of body experience when you fight your own needs with a doctrine.
I've suppressed any and all emotions and thoughts so I could be treated like a number. If i choose to acknowledge my thoughts I'd be treated differently, cast out and stripped from family. Everything is conditional. You are with them or against them.
There is no clean break, nobody to talk to or confide in. You are told how to think, feel, and treat others. The very thing that makes us human is controlled by someone else.
You are an isolated island being eroded every day. Each week is the same, a continuous cycle of groundhog day. My island would be consumed by the ocean if action wasn't taken.
With a lack of freedom to be who I am, forced into a mold I always found myself drowning with no one to help me. I tried countless vices and hobbies to fill time away from my head. Still nothing was a fix, just hits of dopamine to ignore reality in hopes someday would be different. Nobody to call a friend, my peers are in cliques and I'm just a ghost that nobody sees untill they need something from me.
I did find one woman who changed my life, she helped me find what brings me true joy. She reassured me of my value. We were 2 broken souls who healed each other. I showed her unconditional love regardless of anything even after the end of the relationship. She went her own way, others shunned her and some to me through proxy. I could never treat another human by shunning. After the dust settled, apologies and closure were discussed but nothing else changed. We lived our own lives.
And so back to the hell I came from. Giving peers another chance only to find disappointment, lies and backstabbing. Seeing so much corruption I went deeper and deeper and deeper into dark depression. Frantically finding more dopamine hits, hobbies, passion projects while also loosing intrest in everything at the same time. I completely lost who I was. I hated everyone and wanted to watch the world burn. I Road raged every day, another driver gestured pointing a gun at me. I just laughed and pushed his limits. I needed help. I idealized death, suicide just ending it all to avoid the pain. The only thing stopping me was seeing my parents and hearing their concerns.
The "support" system you are given just feeds you the same line, completely unqualified to help anyone but just acts out a role. Filled with corruption 3 men decide to break up a family all based on a secret book another corrupt guy wrote and claim its loving. It makes no sense when the very thing I need is taken from me. My family are the only people who care. This just enforces entrapment and controll.
You live in fear for just being human and wanting the basics in life. The very people who claim to be loving are judgemental and turn a cold shoulder if you show any form of individuality.
This is a systemic issue that doesn't even touch the hypocrisy, biases, secrets, corruption, misogyny and more that is plainly seen but ignored because they hold true to their belief or fearful to be removed themselves. Too many people experience this and some don't live to tell their story.
Not everyone is a bad egg. Many are very beautiful and kind eggs. However, by way of groupthink the good eggs are tainted, blinded, and lack sense of self. This completes the very dangerous, scary, dark, cruel, and horrific cycle where few escape.